my forever child

I got a beautiful piece of jewelry in the mail yesterday.  Forgive my crappy photography.  I really couldn't get a good image.  
The photo on the left shows one side of the charm that says "Always in my heart" around the circle and then the inner disc says 4/26/09.  

The other side (photo on right) has baby footprints on the heart disc and says Lydia Rose around the circle.  I love it.   This is one of the rare times that I've really loved something I did not see in person before buying since I ordered it online.  I found this online jewelry shop called My Forever Child through someone on the babycenter 2nd/3rd trimester lost message board.  I would highly recommend this shop to anyone who has someone they want to remember this way.  They also have fertility jewelry apparently.  So if you are interested check out the link.  

I bought supplies two weeks ago to work on a memory box (shadow box) to hold the blanket that I was knitting, the tape measure that they used to measure Lydia, and some other items.  We will probably display the finished product in our bedroom if I ever finish it.  Crafting usually comes easy to me.  But I really want to create something perfect for this.  So I've been giving a lot of thought to the design of this box.  Whenever I get it done I'll post a photo.

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Today I have an appointment with my RE.  I'm nervous to go back to that office.  When I left there I was so happy.  And when I first went there I was excited.  This time I have neither of those feelings.  Just nervous anxiety about what she is going to tell me about my stupid uterus.  Good thing I have an acupuncture session later in the afternoon to calm me down if it is bad.

1 month

The little "vacation" was good.  It was nice for K and I to have some quality time together.  I feel really close to him now.  Closer than ever in our relationship. We walked a lot, holding hands tightly and didn't really have to say anything.  We were just really connected.  So that felt wonderful.  We did talk a bunch though at other times.  We talked a lot about what we want to do with Lydia's ashes.  They should be ready to pick up this week.  Initially we had decided to place them in a mausoleum and have a service with our priest.  Some of our relatives and my best friend offered to fly in for it.  But I feel like that would be odd.  They didn't know Lydia like K and I.  They wouldn't be remembering her.  But they would be supporting us.  They've already done that.  I don't know, I just feel that it isn't necessary for them to come here.  Actually I'm thinking that I might go against the church and scatter her ashes.  The thing is K and I don't plan on staying in CA forever.  And we don't want to leave Lydia's remains in a place that we may never visit.  If we were to scatter her in the ocean, she would be everywhere.  All the oceans connect right.  So whenever we went to the beach we would feel connected to her.  Alternatively we could keep the remains in an urn and then bury them or scatter them wherever we settle for good, hopefully near family.  The decision hasn't been made yet.  But I suppose we have time.  Once we have the ashes they can just be as we come to a decision.

We had really nice meals.  I wouldn't say we are foodies, but we do love to eat, and we especially love to try new restaurants.  We haven't been eating very well in the past couple of weeks.  And haven't gone out to eat either.  So the vacation really super charged this feeling in the both of us.  So I'm planning to cook some of our favorite meals while I'm still at home.

Well I can't believe its been a month since we lost her.  Oddly it feels like time has flown by while standing still.  I only have 2 weeks before I have to go back to work.  But that is o.k. I'm not afraid to go back to work anymore.  It will be good to do science again.  Good to use my brain. But I am afraid of the people.  That is going to be the hard part. 

Progress....well a little bit anyway

I spent some QT with my phone.  Now I have appointments set up with my RE, and with a new acupuncturist.  I'm supposed to have a sono with the RE to make sure all is good in my uterus (which I highly doubt since I'm prone to scar tissue).  I'm betting that I'm going to need another hysteroscopy to clear everything up.  But we'll see.  I probably should have started going back to acupuncture earlier to help me heal better but I just don't feel like driving back to my old place (in my old town) since there are good IF acupuncturist nearby here.  I'm excited to go to the new place.  Both appointments are a week from Friday.  

I also got to chat with my OB.  I was surprised that she called me just to touch base and see how I was doing since our last meeting.  She said the spotting should ease up in a week or two which I'll be glad for.  This is getting really old.  And she is sending me a referral for a perinatologist and suggested that I get in touch with him/her well before I get pregnant again.  That works for me.  I want to as many smart people working on my case to prevent another loss.  My OB said that she'll work together with my RE and Peri and we'll get there.  I hope she is right.  Either way it is nice to start to put a game plan together.  I feel a little in control again.  

Tomorrow K and I take off for our would-be babymoon.  Le Sigh!  I was annoyed when I saw the note on the hotelsdotcom printout where K had requested a King Bed since  we were expecting a child.  Ughh.  

It will be so nice to go away though.  I got a couple of cute little summery dresses to wear that don't make me look at all like a pregnant lady.  So hopefully we'll have a nice vacation.  

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

What constitutes therapy?

So I've been thinking about seeing a therapist.  Just thinking.  I'm not really sure it is for me.  And I'm not really sure it will help me.  Do people go to therapy when their parents or spouses die?  Why does it seem to everyone that this is something I need to pursue to "get better"? Don't get me wrong, I am considering it.  But deep down I feel like I'm doing things that are helping me cope.  I walk and play with my dog.  He listens to my hopes and fears and doesn't ever judge.  I write on this blog.  Read and comment on other blogs; and comment on an incompetent cervix message board, and several loss boards.  I've been seeing friends (thanks Janessa), and talking to family.  Yes I have my occasional freak outs.  But for the most part I feel normal.  Sad and missing my baby but normal.  I go out everyday to run errands and only cry if assy co-irkers aggravate me.  And I'm even looking forward to going away this weekend on what was to be our 'babymoon'.  Aren't these good things?

The week before last, K and I went to a support group meeting.  I did not like it at all.  It didn't make me feel any better.  In fact it just made me really really sad to hear all the dead baby stories.  I think it helped K though.  He talked quite a bit during the session.  I think it is something that will be helpful to him since he doesn't have access to all the outlets I have (besides the dog).  So I will probably go to the one this Wednesday too if he wants to go.  

scared

For some reason last night was really hard for me.  Well to tell you the truth most of yesterday was hard for me.  I'm not sure why I felt so much worse.  But I did.  

I started the day out feeling pretty o.k.  Unpacked a little and took care of my disability paperwork etc.  Emailed my boss and felt connected to the world again.  So I decided to go to Target and pick up a few things.  While there a work friend called me up to invite me out to lunch or dinner with some of the other ladies who apparently miss me.  I told her I didn't think I was ready and then the conversation got weird for me.  I know she meant well blah blah blah but I all I heard was judgement and I felt very pressured.  "What do you do all day, you shouldn't be alone, you can try again, etc. etc."  I burst into tears in the freezer bags aisle.  It was awful.  I tried to explain that I wasn't ready and that I'd have to call her back and she said how she felt responsible for getting me out and back into the world and how the lab would blame her if I said no.  Ughhhh.  I hung up.   Tried to finish up my shopping and power through.  Went to lunch.  Did some more shopping.  But I just felt off.  When I got home I took down the little memory box and looked at Lydia's picture and wept.  I tried to keep decorating and crap but I couldn't.  I think I must have pushed myself to far.  Then when my cell phone rang I noticed it was another work person.  I didn't answer.  

By the time K got home I was really anxious and couldn't explain why.  I told him about the stupid phone call and how it upset me all day.  He tried to comfort me.  And since the season finale of Lost was on we both felt like I would cheer up.  Well I enjoyed the finale.  But I still felt uneasy.  And when we went to bed I got a little hysterical.  It finally came out that I was scared silly.  Scared that I'm just not meant to be a mother to a live child.  Scared that the endo or fibroids will come back.  Scared that my frosties won't survive the thaw process and we'll have to do another fresh IVF and scared that that won't work either.  Then I'll be 34 and I never wanted to be an older mom, and we had better start looking at adoption now because I'm never going to be able to do this again.  I'm scared that even if I get pregnant I'll have an earlier miscarriage an never make it to get the cerclage.  I'm scared the cerclage surgery will hurt me or the baby.  I'm scared that it will fail anyway.  And if I were to have another late loss how the hell would my sanity survive.

All this came spilling out of my mind and into K's ear.  Poor guy.  I'm going to drag him down into crazy town with me.  He told me that we just have to try and to try to rest.  I ended up just watching tv to calm me down enough to sleep.  I don't like this feeling.  

I missed my daily therapy

I've been offline for a while due to the move.  Didn't realize how much I depend on reading your blogs and going to my  favorite message boards. That is my daily therapy.  So glad to have the internet back.   But I least I had moving as a distraction.  I'm so glad I had this to concentrate on.  And I'm so glad that here in this new town I'm anonymous.  Nobody knows me.  Nobody knows I was pregnant.  So I don't have to explain and retell the tail.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not denying Lydia's existence or anything.  I just like that I don't have to cry and explain what happened to her again and again.  I wish there were some magic way to fast forward through this.  To be back at work, to be trying again.  I just hate this place I'm in right now.

Yesterday I saw my nephew over skype.  He is a beautiful baby and I just wish I could cuddle him.  I know I would be more emotional if I saw him in person but over the computer he just looks like a sweet little guy who needs a hug from auntie Bets.  Well maybe it also helps that he is a boy.  A girl would probably upset me more.  

I hadn't spoken to my SIL at all since Lydia's birth/death.  I think she was too scared to talk to me and I know I didn't want to talk to her.  Well she was so nice.  She practically begged me to just move back home so that they could take care of me.  She said she hated that they were so far away during my time of need and I should be with family and had it not been for their baby they would have been here in an instant.  We talked about me trying again soon and she said that it would be better for me to be there with them nearby so that if I go on bedrest then it will be more than just K to take care of me.  I think she is right.  Maybe we should think about this.  The reality is  that we've been wanted to move for sometime anyway.  It is just that life has gotten in the way time and time again.  So maybe.    Although moving again would be really annoying.  I just got everything unpacked.  I promise to post some photos later.  Something else to do.

Another baby

My brother's.  Born living this morning at 7:03 am EST.  I am grateful.  Grateful that my nephew is alive and well and that my brother and his wife can enjoy the happiness of their new son.  But I'm so sad.  I just feel sorry for myself.  And I hate myself for this (and I know it is normal....went through a lot of these feelings with IF) but I just don't think it is fair that they get to have this joy and I don't.  Now my brother....he is my best friend.  He was so understanding with my IF.  He was afraid to tell me they were pregnant.  He cried on the phone when he told me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  He always tries to protect me.  He cried and cried with me over Lydia's loss.  My grief is his grief.  He would have come out to be with me but his wife was at the end of her pregnancy so he couldn't leave.  He listened to me complain about mom and dad.  He agreed with me that they were being assy.  He is a good brother.  So I shouldn't feel so negative.  But I do.  It isn't fair.  They  NEVER HAVE SEX!!  They had a 6 month dry spell until my brother begged and his wife finally "gave in" one night.  And they got pregnant.  One time.  One.  They haven't had sex since.  She never got horny during pregnancy.  She doesn't like it I guess.  My point is they weren't even trying, never do it, and got pregnant, and now have a live beautiful son.  Me and K, we tried for years, I had 3 surgeries, I took clomid, I used OPKs, I took my temp every morning, I did acupuncture, I drank green tea, used pre.seed, did fertility yoga, we had sex all the time.  We did IVF!!!!  And I have nothing to show for it.  Just my tears and heartache.  I hate being so conflicted.  It hurts.  I love my brother more than anything.  His joy should be my joy.  But I'm so jealous and sad and mad.  

I have tell you that I took your advice and emailed my parents exactly what I put in my last post.  I think they get it now.  But I still haven't had the guts/heart whatever to actually talk to them.  They'll be busy with their new live grandchild now anyway.  So I can lay low for a bit.

Stages and boxes

I have no idea when you are supposed to feel the different stages of grief.  But I do know that today I'm mad.  I'm mad at God.  I'm mad at my doctors.  And I'm mad at my parents.  

I thought my parents would get this.  Sadly, they lost my 1 year old sister (born and died before me) due to a choking accident.  They know what it is like to lose a baby daughter.  Yes it is different.  They knew their baby.  They had her for a year.  But still they know loss.  And my stupid dad calls me everyday in his stupid happy singsong voice asking me how I'm doing.  How the f do you think I'm doing is what I wish I could say.  Instead I just choke out "the same".  He sends me retarded emails saying that I'll pick myself up from this just like when I was kid and fell off my bike and just picked myself up and got back on.  I'm sorry dad but it doesn't work like that.  I just can't get up.  I wish I could.  This is NOT THE SAME!!!  Conversations with my dad are down to about 20 seconds.  That is all I can take.  Then my mom gets on the phone.  She says she wants me not to fade into depression.  Excuse me mom.  I just lost my baby.  Just.  I am not depressed.  I am in grief.  I am in love with a baby who I'll never get to see again.  Why can't they just let me get over it in my way.  It has only been a frickin week.  I just don't get them.  And I'm pissed at them.  I've never ever raised my voice to my mother like I did during our last conversation.  And I don't care if it hurt her.  She hurt me when she said I just can't keep on crying all the time.  So I told her what you guys have been telling me.  I'm allowed to grieve.  I'm allowed time.  And I don't have time or energy to worry about her or dad's feelings.  The only person I can muster up the energy to care for besides me is K.  And the rest of my energy goes to Bailey.  Thats it.  Thats all I have.  

K went back to work today so I'm on my own.  I'm hoping that the packing will keep my mind busy.  One box done so far today.